Category: Personal Log

Finding the energy to do anything creative has been difficult over the last few weeks. Getting the house ready to sell has been more trying than I originally believed it would be. After a few weeks of caulking, sanding, painting, scrubbing, crying, and mopping we’ve had photos done, and the house is finally listed for sale on MLS. Just waiting on in-person viewings. We had one that wanted to view on our only no-visitors day, and were unavailable for literally any other day. It has only been a week but the worry machine inside my brain is in overdrive.

We’re not going to get any more views. No one will buy this house and it will become more and more of a money pit. Right now it is in good condition, but we can’t live like a magazine forever. When it doesn’t sell what if I can’t refinance to a low enough rate that the mortgage be more affordable? What happens if I can refinance and we’re just stuck again next year when property increases because I didn’t get the homestead exemption applied for in time, so our payments will just skyrocket again when the property tax inevitably increases exponentially again (100% over the last 5 years). I never have enough to cover the escrow difference. We’ll be destitute and on the streets in 4 months, tops. I must find new ways of creating income pronto.

This is, of course, absurd. I have a stable, full time job that pays stupidly well. I get all top reviews, there is no indication my job is in danger, but the trauma of past financial struggles still rears its ugly head. Every time something surprising happens – despite current stability – in the back of my head I believe it is a sign of something disastrous. I am fortunate enough to have a partner who understands this psychological issue and can help me through it when these anxiety attacks come on – which is often during the house selling process.

A lot of my attempts at a secondary source of income are prompted by this fear of losing everything. The older I get the more retirement stares me in the face. I don’t want to be obscenely wealthy, but I want to be comfortable and able to get the health care I will need in my sixties and beyond. Maybe travel a bit and enjoy my many, many hobbies. So when I am faced with this fear I industriously google and research and try to pin point how to get a secondary, low effort, source of income that is also ethical.

Unfortunately the old adage is true – the really is no ethical consumption under capitalism. There is no secret bullet. If you’re a landlord you’re depriving people of the ability to own a home, there are a million moral and ethical concerns about drop shipping – even when it’s your own art, the products are often produced in poor working conditions, not to mention the carbon footprint. Even content creators who have been lucky enough to become successful often are hocking products that – let’s face it – aren’t great. At best they waste your money, at worst they actually do harm.

So what do we do? I have money that automatically goes to a 401k every month. I never did it diligently enough in my 20s, so it isn’t a ton of money, but there is some comfort in it. I am far enough separated from the ethical and moral complications of stocks that it doesn’t feel like I’m doing harm – though I’m certain that if I looked deep enough the harm would become apparent.

For someone who was not raised with a religion I find an inordinate amount of my thoughts are consumed by ethics and morality. I’ve debated going back to school and pursuing a philosophy degree, especially now that I’m older and no longer give two fucks about some uncle telling me it’s a waste.

But then it comes back to the ethics and morality, and (thanks again Capitalism) the frugality. Information is luckily mostly free. Education is not, especially here in the good ol’ US of A. Can I really warrant another what? Twenty? Fifty? Hundred thousand dollars? For a degree I do not need, and society will not benefit from.

I have no ending for this. Just a jumble of thoughts to work out later.

I figure I need to write every day in order to get into the habit, so sometimes I will post these daily rambles. I’ll keep them categorized as “Personal Logs” so I can filter them away from the public if needed in the future. Makes me feel like I’m living in the future. Perhaps one day I will start a Podcast of “Personal Logs” from the point of view of a Star Trek ensign.

Here in the real world I’m getting ready to sell my house, with the goal of buying a new house in another place. It is a huge pain in the ass. We just finished the most recent season of the show Severance and I gotta tell ya, I’d sever a part of me to do all the house selling stuff. A separate person to do repairs and talk to realtors and I just wake up in a new house one day. Ideal. Though then I’d worry what “House seller” me is like. Would that same person come back in a dozen or so years when I move again? Would I lose something by separating myself? I suppose these are the questions the show wants us to ask ourselves.

I spent a lot of time today spackling some damaged spots around the house. Nail holes, damage from tv mounts, that kind of thing. The spackle left my hands so dry they kind of hurt. I may take a shower after I write up this post, just to clean off and moisturize. I suppose my “outie” would just have incredibly dry hands with no idea how it happened.

Is this the mark of a good show? You see and relate to it outside of the show? I think that may be true for all the shows I enjoy. There are not a lot of shows or movies that I dislike and give tons of thought to. Perhaps this just means I’d make a terrible critic, though I think I have more than a normal amount of love for the TV shows I do enjoy. Perhaps I will write about those more often.

We – my spouse and I – watch a lot of TV and play a lot of video games, like most millennial couples, I’m sure. I could do some exercises in writing about the morality and ethics displayed in those shows. We’ll see how it goes, who knows!

I set up this blog mostly to start actually writing. I’ve been reading the book Atomic Habits and a recent chapter discussed motion vs action. A motion is something like making a list, or writing down a plan. Motion is preparing to take action.

I found myself yet again in the motion of putting this website together. A perfect place to write, so I could write. As if a beautiful WordPress theme is the key to becoming a writer. About 30 minutes ago I realized that if I want to call myself a writer I have to stop primarily being a web designer.

To be a writer, one must write.

I most likely put too much thought into the title of this blog. I tend towards the literal so let’s take it apart:

e·thos /ˈēˌTHäs/

noun

1. the characteristic spirit of a culture, era, or community as manifested in its beliefs and aspirations. “a challenge to the ethos of the 1960s”

So what do I mean by ‘Ethos Lost’. I simply feel as though I have no culture, no particular beliefs or aspirations. As a generally secular person (I hesitate after all these years to say ‘atheist’) I have morals, I have ethics. But I don’t know where they came from. I was not raised particularly religious. Right and wrong – for the most part – have seemed mostly obvious to me. I’ve never felt the need for a book to tell me what is good and what is bad.

This probably sounds like I’m bragging, but that is not my intent. I don’t have things like “family recipes” or any real “heirlooms” to speak of. Family get togethers at regular holidays stopped after my cousins and I grew up and started our own families. I’m sure some of them continue the old traditions, but if they do my little part of the family is not typically included. There hasn’t been any particular falling out, so I believe this is just people becoming more insulated. Less large families, more close knit units.

When I was in my middle school years I fell a bit in love with pagan traditions. If I were to pick up spirituality or a religion it would make sense to pull from Irish or Nordic traditions. Of course, I didn’t know that back when I was a kid. We didn’t have things like AncestryDNA in the 1990s. I’ve dabbled in recent years, but failed to really commit to any one practice.

In short, there is a part of me that feels missing, or lost. I grew up in a place with very little culture to start with. Community was within the family – when convenient. Aspirations amounted to “get an education, but more importantly get a job,” and ideas that anything you create can and should be monetized.

We didn’t have culture, we had capitalism.

This blog will be a writing journey. Sometimes fiction, sometimes fact. I just have to take action. Writing, because I am a writer.

I must write.